Why do we like it when people like us?

It’s a simple answer; it feels good to be liked.

When we are appreciated, it feels good.

When we are acknowledged, it feels good.

When someone is grateful for what we did, that feels good.

When someone is grateful for who we are, well, that feels amazing!

There’s nothing wrong with this. It’s totally normal, acceptable and appropriate to feel good when somebody likes us. The problem is when somebody liking us helps us feel good about ourselves; when being liked seemingly fills the gap that allows us to feel good about ourselves.

I know most of you know what I’m talking about because we have all been there. We know that we are a good person; that we’re fun to be around; that we can really help someone out, and that we really want others to see how good of a person we are. We believe we are a likeable person, but we’re not completely satisfied until others can confirm that belief by liking us.

When we start needing to be liked, our interactions with others start taking an unhealthy path. We become a little too concerned about what other people think about us.

We jump out of our heads and try to get in other people’s heads. We’re always thinking about what they’re thinking about us, how they see us.

• Do they think I’m responding to the text fast enough?
• Do they still think I’m fun to be around?
• Would they rather be around their other friends more than me?
• Why couldn’t they go out to lunch with me? Are they starting not to like me?
• Am I going to lose this friendship? What’s going on?
• Maybe I should give them a call to figure out if I did anything wrong.
• Maybe I should buy them a really thoughtful gift. They will really appreciate me for that!

I like to tell the people I counsel, “You have no business being in somebody else’s head!”

You can’t absolutely know what’s going on in somebody else’s mind, and you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. You don’t control what another person thinks.

When you’re trying to figure out what another person is thinking you are in a place where you have no control…therefore you are literally out of control. When you are out of control, you lose yourself because you are more focused on other people’s perception of you instead of being focused on who you are.

People who keep trying to get other people to like them don’t understand why it doesn’t work. In their mind their just thinking I’m a good, kind, likable person and I know you are going to love me. But what they don’t realize is that, over time, to the other person it starts to feel controlling.

Because that’s exactly what you’re doing…you’re trying to control the way the other person perceives you. You are doing all these nice, kind, selfless acts for the other person and then you get blown away when not only do they stop appreciating it, they start to drift away from you, and eventually begin to resent you for controlling them.

Inevitably as I’m having one of these discussions with a client, they will say, “What am I supposed to do when I care so much for somebody and they start not liking me?”

I say in so many words…"Get out of the other persons head and get back in your own head.” When you’re focused on what others are thinking, you are losing yourself, and eventually you’re not going to even know who you are. You should instead be focused on being the best version of you.

When you “get out of their head and get back in your head”, you move from a place of being out of control and get back to a place where you are in-control. Let other people make up their mind whether or not they like you.

When you’re focused on being the best version of you, and somebody doesn’t like the real you, it wasn’t going to be a good relationship anyway.

Yep that’s right, not everybody’s going to like you. Sometimes that can really hurt.

However, I guarantee if you don’t stop focusing on being liked by other people, you’re going to push a lot more people away that would have loved getting to know the real version of you.

Even worse you are going to attract some people that will take advantage of the fact that you like to be liked a little too much.

The real you is the best you!

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